Haunting Memories
by Tomorrow
Summary: Relena is sharing some partial moments with her daughter, and Heero is in the other room, just listening to them. Why doesn't he join them? (1xR).


Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing, the song "Once There Was the Sun", which is from Thumbelina (it fits the story well), or the song "It's all Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion.   
  
  
_Once there was the sun   
Bright and warm and wonderful   
We sailed far beyond the stars…_   
  
  
It was the lullaby Relena sang as she carried her infant child, the few week old princess Elora who lay still in her mother's arms, placid as the queen gently swayed the babe in her embrace. The dawn's light spilled through the nursery window to fall upon the child's face, casting shadows on her dark blonde curls and crowning her in sunshine. Prussian blue eyes sleepily watched her mother's gaze; a tiny fist curled around the woman's finger.   
  
  
**_There were nights when the wind   
Was so cold   
That my body froze in bed   
If I just listened to it   
Right outside the window_**   
  
  
This new mother giggled along with her baby as the child laughed, amused by the sweet melody that her mother sang to subtly fool her into docility, and Relena continued to rock the infant against the winds they created with their calm, shallow breath. The queen's voice hovered languorously in the room, as an implicit promise to her daughter: that as long as she whispered such songs the child knew that mommy was close, protecting her from what she could.   
  
**_  
There were days when the sun   
Was so cruel   
That all the tears turn to dust   
And I just knew my eyes were   
Drying up forever_**   
  
  
Hesitant to do so but nonetheless exhausted from holding the bundle above herself for such a time, Relena laid the baby in her cradle, its bars twined with pastel ribbons and lace along the wooden trim. In this manger where resided teddy bears of various browns, grays, and whites the woman stripped the child of her dress—preparing her for her bath.   
  
The baby laughed once more as she saw her mother pick up the bear the princess's father had given her to play with in the tub, and the infant tried to reach for the animal's nylon paw. And Relena buried her nose into her daughter's forehead, nuzzle as soft as the doe's mild kiss, whispering to Elora as she did, "That's right. It's time for you and little Waterfall to take a bath, and he'll keep you company to make sure soap doesn't get in your eyes," brushing sleep from the child's eye.   
  
  
**_I finished crying in the instant   
That you left   
And I can't remember where   
Or when or how _**  
  
  
With one last coo from Elora, Relena danced a lazy waltz into the bathroom light, the running water able to be heard in the next room where Heero sat writing in his journal— For the third day that week.   
  
**_  
And I banished every memory   
You and I had ever made_**   
  
  
The former Gundam pilot sat at his desk composing diligently upon the paper bound in leather's sheaf, his strokes quick and yet flowed from desperation to record them as grief could not be shed. His only mourning he bore on paper, for it speaks true of the writer's hand yet is dispassionate when it regurgitates that information for a reader. It remains impassive even in sorrow or despite the author's tale and past.   
  
**_  
But when you touch me like this   
And you hold me like that   
I just have to admit   
That it's all coming back to me   
_**  
  
**Even when I'm sitting here I can hear the water running in the other room— Relena giving Elora a bath.   
  
Everyday it's the same. The same scene. The same end. But I still have to face it… I have to watch it every time. It won't leave me alone.   
  
I haven't suffered enough for my failure.**   
  
  
**_When I touch you like this   
And I hold you like that   
It's so hard to believe   
But it's all coming back to me_**   
  
  
**I can sit here and write and tell myself that I can live on. But I won't be able to if they won't go away. I lose it every time they appear, and my sanity's suffering because of it. There's just… pain.   
  
  
_There were moments of gold   
And there were flashes of light   
_  
  
I never knew what it felt like to be lonely (since I was always on my own)… until I met Relena and… she had our daughter.   
  
I feel lonely now.   
**  
  
**_There were things I'd never do again   
But then they always seemed right   
There were nights of endless pleasure   
More than any laws allow   
Baby, baby   
_**  
  
_This is a waste of time— I must have really been desperate to listen to one of Duo's suggestions. Of all people to take advice from, I picked the guy that's so afraid of his emotions that he hides them behind the most simplistic one: happiness. He's more mentally unbalanced than I am… and I listened to him.   
  
That proves I've lost all rational thought. Keeping a diary to keep track of my thoughts about this whole thing— It goes against everything I was ever taught. Keeping a record of one's thoughts means that others have access to his weaknesses and plans, and that's a risk a soldier can't afford.   
  
But that doesn't matter anymore.   
  
_**I have nothing left to lose.   
**_  
_He stopped a moment before going on to his next sentence, listening to the water as it gurgled while being swallowed by the drain, able to smell the faint scents of rose and jasmine oils now wafting from the tub and into his nostrils for a thick whiff. The man sighed, resting his head in his hands. Just sitting there… lost in a memory of happier times.   
  
  
**_If I kiss you like this   
And if you whisper like that   
It was lost long ago   
But it's all coming back to me_**   
  
  
Relena walked out of the bathroom and entered the nursery once again, pressing her tired little princess against her breast as she looked down upon her child that only weeks before rested in her womb, who had once been a physical part of her inseparable. A girl conceived with the man Relena loved, in his beautiful flesh and faithful spirit, their union something beyond mortality's touch.   
  
And amidst these thoughts she kissed her daughter's dirty gold ringlets, silken and soft as the bears that shared her bed with her. This baby was their love made flesh—a truth this queen could never forget.   
  
  
**_If you want me like this   
And if you need me like that   
It was dead long ago   
But it's all coming back to me   
_**  
  
_Now there's no more sun   
Winter has killed everything…   
_  
She began to sing again to her baby, this time a cradlesong so that she may dream of unicorns and mischievous sprites together in a forest glen, as little girls often do— Relena barely able to feel this infant's mouth as the babe suckled her mother's breast for milk.   
  
  
**_It's so hard to resist,   
And it's all coming back to me.   
  
_**  
She sat in the rocking chair, swaying back and forth as she hummed the rest of the tune to the child breathing evenly, laying her head on the chair's back and sighing in complacency. She had a beautiful daughter and a husband she loved dearly, and he returned her love the best he knew. Nothing could disturb this peace she'd finally found.   
  
  
**_I can barely recall   
But it's all coming back to me now   
But it's all coming back   
  
_**  
**I've memorized that song**, Heero jotted down as he listened to his wife murmur in the adjacent room, stopping for a moment just to hear her gentle vibrato hang on the stillness of the hall, soon to find refuge in his ears... the most beautiful sound he could hear and ever would.   
  
  
But if I touch you like this   
And if you kiss me like that   
It was so long ago   
But it's all coming back to me   
  
  
**I hear it every morning, in the afternoon, even at night. It haunts me, mocking my loss in the recesses of my memory.   
**  
_Not again.   
_  
  
**_If you touch me like this   
And if I kiss you like that   
It was gone with the wind   
But it's all coming back to me   
_**  
  
He was pulled from his musings by the chime of the doorbell and rose from his study, somewhat disconcerted by the sudden noise in his dazed state, to greet the visitor. He turned his head to give one last thought to the diary before exiting the room, hand shaking slightly as it gripped the doorknob.   
  
Upon reaching the bottom of the grand staircase and rounding the corner into the parlor, he noticed Duo had already made his way inside and was leaning over one of the overstuffed armchairs, lost in absent thought as he most likely waited for Heero to meet him. His left foot was tapping impatiently on the floor, almost as if he were nervous about something.   
  
Other than Zechs and Noin, Duo and Hilde were the only people Heero entrusted with a key to the estate, but such a privilege was not to be abused by frequent visits and "gatherings" in his absence—Heero saw to that from the beginning. It was only for emergency purposes, but from the mere fact that the American stood presently in the middle of his living room, Heero realized the taller man couldn't comprehend that concept. Duo was much too social to understand the implication of "emergency visits".   
  
Why he'd chosen to give a key to Duo he would never know. It must have been a temporary moment of insanity— Or maybe because Relena enjoyed Hilde's company so much, and he wanted to please his wife.   
  
That didn't matter now.   
  
"Hey, Buddy. What's goin' on?" Duo asked him as he heard Heero's footsteps approach him from behind. But the braided man's normally jovial expression soon turned serious as he noticed his friend's weary face, the lines so deep-set beneath his eyes, and the way his feet dragged across the floor. Tired. "You okay?" He tried to seem causal, but for Duo that was an almost impossible feat when he was nervous.   
  
"I'm fine." Heero then turned his head away, moving only his eyes back to Duo as he admitted, almost in a whisper, ashamed at how low he'd finally sunk, "I took your suggestion about the journal."   
  
"Really? I just threw that out to ya, hoping you'd at least do something. But I never thought you'd actually take my advice," he admitted with an almost subtle pride in his voice knowing the Perfect Soldier had actually listened to him for once. His hands came to his waist as he puffed out his chest at the indirect compliment. Finally, the credit he deserved.   
  
"Yeah. Now leave."   
  
  
**_There were moments of gold   
And there were flashes of light   
  
_**  
Just before Heero was about to take his leave of the former Deathscythe pilot, Duo's voice interrupted his retreat to bring the man's attention back to his guest, disposition now more somber than before. What he was about to say was important. "That's not necessarily why I'm here, Heero… not just to get thank you's. I came by... to give you this."   
  
It was a Mother's Day card with Relena's name scrawled upon it in calligraphic style. Heero instantly snatched it from the other's hands and forced the card from its envelope.   
  
"Mother's are a gift from God, whilst within her womb the angels kissed her babe with tender grace, blessing her miracle with a gift of strength. Immaculate Mary, shed your tear upon her now, that she may know the tears she will shed for each memory of her infant, so gentle and mild."   
  
  
**_There were thing's we'd never do again   
But then they always seemed right   
  
_**  
"I know Mother's Day was almost a month ago and all, but I thought it best to wait a little while before I gave it to you. Besides, I thought it could work as a double for Father's Day tomorrow," Duo attempted to jest as he scratched the back of his head from the awkwardness settling between them, scraping his foot against the floor as he added, "Hilde helped me pick it out. She thought it might help."   
  
Heero clutched the note at his side, crinkling the sheaves within his grip and smearing the ink on the envelope as he fought to control the emotions that beckoned to surface. He couldn't break. Not now, not in front of him. He could get through this. This was one day of the many that passed and those that he would have to endure for years to come. If he couldn't pull himself together now… how could he do it later? So he turned towards the kitchen while he seethed.   
  
"I'm not a father, so there's no reason for you to be here anymore. Now just leave me alone."   
  
"Heero, it really doesn't help if ya—"   
  
"Get out." The Japanese man's voice lingered longer than his presence.   
  
Duo ran his fingers down the sad smile on his face, sighing as he stared at the wooden panel where his comrade formerly stood. He could feel the coldness of Heero's heart smoldering on that spot, how callous this soldier had once again become—chilling even the air around him and icing his relationships with frigid apathy.   
  
"Sure Heero, whatever you say." He stepped towards the door. "Happy Father's Day, whether you believe it or not."   
  
  
**_There were nights of endless pleasure   
It was more than all your laws allow   
_**  
  
Before Heero was able to get to the kitchen, he heard Relena's voice echoing from the top of the stairs, accompanied by his daughter's tears and now hoarse yowling. Her hands were balled into tiny fists, eyes scrunched as she cried. She wept for her father… for his arms around her, now more than ever.   
  
The lament of innocence.   
  
**_  
Baby, baby, baby   
_**  
  
"It's alright, Elora. Daddy's just in the garage working on the car," she murmured to the crying babe as she brought the infant's little hands to her lips for a consoling kiss, lifting the train of her nightgown as she meant to descend the staircase. "He'll be in in a few min..."   
  
Her scream resonated through the emptiness, ripping silence from the morning as she filled it with a shriek, a haunting, sullen pitch that ravaged on— Causing Heero to tremble at her cry. He shielded his ears from the wail compulsively, body quivering as he turned his head away from the sight.   
  
_No more._   
  
  
**_When you touch me like this   
And when you hold me like that   
It was gone with the wind   
But it's all coming back to me   
_**  
  
Stumbling on her hem, she fell forward with the child in her arms, twisting herself in a futile act of heroism to guard the baby from the fall. Streaks of flaxen and pale peach stained the marble of the steps in human paints; Prussian blue mixed with cerulean spattered the morning with their former brilliance, for these gentle gazes were contorted as the sunlight blotted their bodies in shadows.   
  
Relena with her final conscious thoughts prayed for her daughter's survival, a last hope that she herself would suffer rather than the child. But this plea would not be answered in such a way, for Elora's cries rang through the house as her head met the edge of the sharp stone.   
  
  
**_When I see you like this   
And when you see me like that_**   
  
  
A trail of blood marked their deaths, contours etched in crimson and tears that splattered their garments, muffled screams and painful moans drawn from Relena when her forehead hit the railing. Puss and oozing meat slid from her temples as the bruises blotched their pale skin in ironic, misshapen hearts of burst blood, turning nearly black from this friction of oak on now opened bone.   
  
  
**_Then we see what we want to see   
All coming back to me   
_**  
  
With one final thud as their bodies met the carpeted floor, she and the baby lay at the bottom of the stairs in a puddle of blood. Lifeless. That running scarlet the only warmth left as it splashed against their cooled skin and rigid forms. Her eyes were glazed over, Elora's rolled into the back of her little head.   
  
And Heero stood only an inch away from their corpses— Relena's lips nearly kissing the toes of his boots.   
  
  
**_The flesh and the fantasies   
All coming back to me   
_**  
  
He closed his eyes and then reopened them once more. Slowly. Almost nauseous. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat while he stepped aside of their bodies, needing to lean on the soiled rail as he attempted to climb the stairs.   
  
He didn't glance back at the pair lying dead below.   
  
It seemed to take him hours to ascend the flight, knees sometimes giving way between steps as his mind wandered back to the scene. But he made it, and with no more strength he just slumped into his chair, waiting to compose himself a few minutes before picking up the pen to write in the journal—still lying open on the desk.   
  
  
**_I can barely recall   
But it's all coming back to me now   
_**  
  
With a shaking hand he connected the pen to the paper, and in solid black letters he wrote, **I'm going insane… I am insane. It keeps happening… again, and again… and again… and again… and again… and again… **  
  
His hand wouldn't stop… his mind wouldn't stop reminding him of their deaths, their tragic end that took place only about a month before, still happening right before his eyes every day at that same hour. Over… and over… and over…   
  
  
**_If you forgive me all this   
If I forgive you all that   
We forgive and forget   
And it's all coming back to me   
_**  
  
Pen still recording his repetition, his eyes left the paper to glance back at the stairwell where now the body of his wife and child did not lay. They were gone. No blood. No wails. Nothing. Like they had never come.   
  
His head turned to look out the window of his study, clenching his eyes shut as he spat, "Damn Father's Day." His lips quivered with each syllable.   
  
  
**_When you see me like this   
And when I see you like that   
We see just what we want to see   
All coming back to me   
The flesh and the fantasies   
All coming back to me   
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now   
_**  
  
As Heero returned to his writing a gentle breeze tossed the curtains of the nursery,   
  
**_  
And when you kiss me like this   
  
_**  
and with the descant of the bluebird that whistled its song,   
  
  
**_And when I touch you like that   
_**  
  
came the murmur of a mother's voice and a child's cry.   
  
  
**_And if you do it like this   
_**  
  
And although it's dark December   
Forever   
I'll remember sun…   
  
  
**_And if we...  
_**


End file.
